Well, after that dream. What can I say? I have weird dreams of you.. Of us.. In weird situations. Arguing, fighting... As weird as it is to say, I'd pick that over absolute silence. Our past conversations gradually being replaced by an echo. An echo my heart feels and my ears hear as an evidence of the void you left there. I cant believe I sound this cheesy! Maybe its cos you're the only guy I ever let down the walls for. Someone once joked around saying to me "Immediately you meet a guy.. The bricklayer in you starts building a tower of babel that he must overcome.' I wouldn't say you overcame the tower of babel (because honestly, you didn't even try) but I just never built it so high because I thought there was something about you or maybe I felt secure cos we were introduced by someone I knew had my best interest at heart.
You were the excuse I used for any and everyone that came to talk to me. To think that I had to fly miles to hear other people talk about you and another girl in a room where I was present, makes me feel sick to my stomach. What happened to the dinners, make out sessions and all we had planned out? To think that you didn't make an attempt to come and see me once... NOT ONCE still baffles me. How can you be heartless? The reason I was there was for YOU! Nothing else. I was stuck in a hotel room all by myself, thinking about the disappointment I was going to dish out to my friends eager for "gist". As I write this and heave, I feel the pain... That spot in my chest. I can't even cry. It hurts too much to cry. It hurts even more cos I do not know why you got up one day and walked away. No explanations.. Nothing. I saw her; I mean.. we were in the same room..The girl you left me for! I pray for her. I pray she doesn't go through what you put me through. She is in no way better than me in terms of everything (yes, I did my homework/research). She might have more to offer though. This I would never know because to be honest, I am not willing to find out. I find myself asking so many questions. Was it our difference in religion? Was I ever going to be more Muslim Or less Christian for you? Was I going to interchangeably use the words God and Allah? Did you ever think about these things? Did you ever give a shit up to that point? Am I overanalyzing things? People who stumble upon this blog and read this might feel I am going on and on over a man that didn't like me and I need to shut the hell up. My friends told me he wasn't serious from the way he acted and instead of listening to them, I turned around and told him. How do I deal with the shame?....The same of rejection. Knowing quite well that I can have almost anybody I want. Everyone else but you. Is that why I cant move on? Rejection?
All I want to find out is why you completely tuned out on me. Maybe I'd never know. But for now I can only write and hope that the more I write, the more the pain in my heart caused by you, eases.
