Letter from 19 year old me.. Hmmm. What exactly was I thinking when I deleted you from the instant message app on my phone?
It was the nightmares, the nightmares I had about you. 24 year old me doesn't condone my actions, hence the letter from 19 year old me.
19 year old me would not apologize for this behavior because she has been hurt to the core. 19yr old me couldn't sleep for the longest time because every time she drifted away she dreamed of the moment you inflicted pain on her core. In what is left of her teenage years, she is trying, probing, hoping she comes up with a mechanism to bury the memories of the promises not fulfilled and the ache she still feels anytime she talks about you which as a matter of fact is any opportunity she gets. Every time this nightmare occurred she attempted reach out to you. Attempted being the operative word in the preceding sentence; although it was a bunch of random messages I sent to you, it was my attempt at nursing the wounds from the knife forced through my myocardium. Your one worded replies and 'lol' when I was being serious made me really mad.
And then unrest came in my place of abode and you searched for me on this IM, couldn't find me and then asked my friend about me. Does 19yr old me wish you added me back? Yes of course.. but then, that's what it is, a 19yr old teen's wish.
"She will vexxx" he said. Oh! I'm mad. Im mad at myself for the mornings I woke up and cried, cried endlessly for what we could have been.
Everyone warned her, she saw the signs, No, she didn't want to change you. Yes she is blowing this out of proportion.. but remember, 'she' is a teenager. A teenager that has been abused by a 'pastor.' A teenager that in her adolescent years lost her father, the first man she ever trusted and loved enough to offer her kidney to.
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