Letter from 19 year old me.

This post is about to be extremely childish.. Stop now if you don't read immature posts. :)

Letter from 19 year old me.. Hmmm. What exactly was I thinking when I deleted you from the instant message app on my phone?

It was the nightmares, the nightmares I had about you. 24 year old me doesn't condone my actions, hence the letter from 19 year old me.

19 year old me would not apologize for this behavior because she has been hurt to the core. 19yr old me couldn't sleep for the longest time because every time she drifted away she dreamed of the moment you inflicted pain on her core. In what is left of her teenage years, she is trying, probing, hoping she comes up with a mechanism to bury the memories of the promises not fulfilled and the ache she still feels anytime she talks about you which as a matter of fact is any opportunity she gets. Every time this nightmare occurred she attempted reach out to you. Attempted being the operative word in the preceding sentence; although it was a bunch of random messages I sent to you, it was my attempt at nursing the wounds from the knife forced through my myocardium. Your one worded replies and 'lol' when I was being serious made me really mad.

And then unrest came in my place of abode and you searched for me on this IM, couldn't find me and then asked my friend about me. Does 19yr old me wish you added me back? Yes of course.. but then, that's what it is, a 19yr old teen's wish.

"She will vexxx" he said. Oh! I'm mad. Im mad at myself for the mornings I woke up and cried, cried endlessly for what we could have been.

Everyone warned her, she saw the signs, No, she didn't want to change you. Yes she is blowing this out of proportion.. but remember, 'she' is a teenager. A teenager that has been abused by a 'pastor.' A teenager that in her adolescent years lost her father, the first man she ever trusted and loved enough to offer her kidney to.

Rejection

           Well, after that dream. What can I say? I have weird dreams of you.. Of us.. In weird situations. Arguing, fighting... As weird as it is to say, I'd pick that over absolute silence. Our past conversations gradually being replaced by an echo. An echo my heart feels and my ears hear as an evidence of the void you left there. I cant believe I sound this cheesy! Maybe its cos you're the only guy I ever let down the walls for. Someone once joked around saying to me "Immediately you meet a guy.. The bricklayer in you starts building a tower of babel that he must overcome.' I wouldn't say you overcame the tower of babel (because honestly, you didn't even try) but I just never built it so high because I thought there was something about you or maybe I felt secure cos we were introduced by someone I knew had my best interest at heart.
             You were the excuse I used for any and everyone that came to talk to me. To think that I had to fly miles to hear other people talk about you and another girl in a room where I was present, makes me feel sick to my stomach. What happened to the dinners, make out sessions and all we had planned out? To think that you didn't make an attempt to come and see me once... NOT ONCE still baffles me. How can you be heartless? The reason I was there was for YOU! Nothing else. I was stuck in a hotel room all by myself, thinking about the disappointment I was going to dish out to my friends eager for "gist". As I write this and heave, I feel the pain... That spot in my chest. I can't even cry. It hurts too much to cry. It hurts even more cos I do not know why you got up one day and walked away. No explanations.. Nothing. I saw her; I mean.. we were in the same room..The girl you left me for! I pray for her. I pray she doesn't go through what you put me through. She is in no way better than me in terms of everything (yes, I did my homework/research). She might have more to offer though. This I would never know because to be honest, I am not willing to find out.  I find myself asking so many questions. Was it our difference in religion? Was I ever going to be more Muslim Or less Christian for you? Was I going to interchangeably use the words God and Allah? Did you ever think about these things? Did you ever give a shit up to that point? Am I overanalyzing things? People who stumble upon this blog and read this might feel I am going on and on over a man that didn't like me and I need to shut the hell up. My friends told me he wasn't serious from the way he acted and instead of listening to them, I turned around and told him. How do I deal with the shame?....The same of rejection. Knowing quite well that I can have almost anybody I want. Everyone else but you. Is that why I cant move on? Rejection?

           All I want to find out is why you completely tuned out on me. Maybe I'd never know. But for now I can only write and hope that the more I write, the more the pain in my heart caused by you, eases.

O! I have a heart? Awesome! :|

This is hoping that some day you read it and realize how much it hurt me. Im no Adele but I sure can pour my heart out. Im not gonna drop one of those cheesy lines and say you lost out on something, or say I am too good for you. Maybe I am... but then.. Maybe I'm not. Never in my life did I think I was gonna be this girl. The girl craving the attention of a guy. The girl that'll blow off everyone else and not even consider the ones she would've looked at before she met you. Should I curse the day I met you? Probably not. Painful part is, I do not love you. You probably think I do and the minute you started thinking that, you became a total douche. You tried to kiss me the last time we met, I didn't let you cos I didn't want to be one of those girls that assume they are in a relationship right after getting physical with a guy. I explained this to you and you were totally fine with it. You said you had never told a girl you liked them. I thought in my head that mine would be different cos I'm most definitely not gonna mess around with you until you make you intensions known. This was fine with you until you mentioned on skype one night that if you tried to kiss me the next time we meet and I refuse, there'll be "no point." How much that hurt me, you'll never know but was I scared to let you know... of course I was. I was scared that the "friendship" that seemed perfect was going to be sour and weird. I didn't want to argue cos I naturally hate drama. That there has been taken for weakness and I see you constantly prey on that weakness. It hurts when you have to study 24 hrs a day, 7 days a week. At first I was understanding and a perfect sport but that became a constant excuse. It hurts for me to make excuses for you as to why you didn't do certain things. The simplest things make me happy. A simple phone call a day would go a long way in helping "us." well, I guess there's no us cos from this moment as I write this, I have chosen not to give a shit. This definitely wouldn't take a day but it marks a beginning of a journey. It makes it harder that I cant resist you or resist replying your messages immediately after I read them. How did I become so emotional? How did I fall for a douche bag? Why do girls fall for douche bags? The sweet ones are just "cute" but we go for the ones that treat us like crap. I remember when I threatened to talk to other guys, you seemed pretty shaken by it and we finally decided to talk to each other only. It makes me sad to think that you feel like you're being pushed to ask me out. You have never officially asked a girl out doesn't mean that every girl will reduce her standards to making assumptions of a relationship. So in the case when you're caught cheating, you'll remind me of how you never asked me out? I have never cried for a boy before and I act all macho to my friends and boast about how this has never happened. Only if they know how i've balled cos of you. Its funny how I can't confide in any of my friends because i've painted such a perfect picture of us. It kills me when they refer to you in some situations and say that I have you. It makes me cringe because deep in my heart, I know I have just me, myself and I. It sucks that this blog sprung up as a result of one bb message was read and not replied. I know everyone who reads this would probably suggest I pick up the pieces and move on but you only know how difficult it is to do that if you've been in the same position.